The First Step

Hi, my name is Hera and I'm a crabby bitch.

It all started in the spring. The receptionist at my work announced her departure, which meant I had to take on one of her duties as no one else was trained to perform the task. The goal, according to my VP, was for me to train her assistant to eventually take over the duties the receptionist left behind since that position would no longer be a part of our department. I thought "that's fine. I can handle a little extra work for a short period of time. It's only temporary and I'm happy to help if necessary".

Of course, the executive assistant announced her departure from the organization shortly after the receptionist left. At this point, I gained even more extra duties "in the interim" as the search for a new executive assistant got underway. Again, I thought "that's fine. I can handle a little extra work for a short period of time. It's only temporary and I'm happy to help if necessary".

The applicant search was excruciatingly long. It bled over into a co-worker's maternity leave and into what is the time of year I refer to as "hell on Earth" for my position. In essence, for the last four months I have been holding down three, sometimes four jobs--all during what is the absolute most stressful period for me even in a normal month.

As the time wore on I became a quite the bitch. Scratch that, the term I'm looking for is crabby bitch. At about month two I reached crabby, by the end of month three I was unbearably bitchy. The things that sent my mood South varied. Sometimes it was the mounting workload, sometimes it was the stupid questions I didn't have time to answer, sometimes it was the recognition of others' efforts while mine went unnoticed...again. Most days I hated everything about my job, my employer and 85% of my co-workers. I even brought my anger home on occasion--an extremely unfair thing for Maverick to put up with. However, he has weathered the storm as if it was nothing at all, and simply his job to make me feel like it's okay to uncontrollably sob at the drop of a green bean onto the kitchen floor.

No longer.

The executive assistant position has not only been filled, but the person holding down that job now seems to be (almost) trained and self-sufficient in the tasks I needed to be able to get that position responsible for once again. Great hire too. I think this person will be an extremely good fit for the organization. Just in time for my busiest time of year to be almost over as well. I'm back down to just about one and a half jobs. The stress level is way down. Thankfully. I've come to realize that a) I simply could not handle that amount of stress any longer, b) I was about to have a complete and utter mental/nervous breakdown, c) I have got to get back to my old happy self--being miserable every day is just not a way to live.

So there it is. I'm a crabby bitch. Rather, I have been a crabby bitch lately, but as of this moment I apologize for my crabby bitchyness and I will no longer be a crabby bitch.

With that in mind, I'm off to celebrate Halloween with some of my favorite people in the whole world--Maverick and my BFF.

Yes, I went junior high on you! It's the spirit of the kid holiday. It's taken over me.

Muse

Having been inspired I thought I would share my love for autumn. Being a not so closeted, warm weather, beach bum at heart most people would think that I loathe the onset of winter. On the contrary, you'll be shocked to learn that I actually welcome it. Just as I'm sure Britney is hiding her longing to return to the days of Cheetos and barefooted gas station restroom stops, I conceal my love for the comforts of cooler temperatures. Not anymore. Here are my twenty great things about the change of seasons.

1. Piping hot soup in a bread bowl.

2. Vibrant yellow leaves covering an entire tree.

3. Postseason baseball.

4. Warm, comfy and yet uber sexy sweaters.

5. Little kids in Halloween costumes.

6. Apple cider.

7. Snuggling up on the couch with a blanket, Maverick and watching a movie.

8. Anticipating a huge Thanksgiving dinner.

9. Football.

10. Flaunting my fetish for gloves, scarves and winter hats.

11. Mums.

12. Enjoying time with my wonderful family on the holidays.

13. My favorite TV shows are back from summer vacation.

14. The Heisman Watch.

15. Overusing the Crock-Pot.

16. Gift shopping for the people I love.

17. Hockey.

18. The indescribably comforting feeling of being cocooned under three blankets.

19. Pumpkin carving.

20. Wondering what will be inside the neatly wrapped box(es) under the tree in December.


Who knew there was such a sucker for cheesy nice things hiding under my tomboy persona?!

Coming Out of the Dark

Wow. It has been eleven months since my last blog post. Well, technically in those eleven months I have visited Blogger a few times and typed out a post, but never published it. At any rate, that's just awful. I've been very lazy. There is really no other way to say it. To my faithful readers, both of you, I sincerely apologize. I will no longer be a slacker.

Who Does That - Part XVIII

Social networking sites, we've all heard of this phenomenon taking over the world. People frequent these sites to network, keep up with friends and family, meet new people and severely procrastinate on life's tasks. It's truly a great thing. Personally, I waste thirty minutes to an hour at work everyday on these sites. Keeps me sane, provides humor and adds to that procrastination factor we all know and love. However, there is a large majority of people who frequent these sites just to be fucking idiots.

On one particular social networking site, that rhymes with Schmacebook, people create groups. These groups were designed to unite people with common interests. In reality, what they've become is a cesspool for fucking idiot behavior. Case and point, the incessant creating of groups with some variation of the name "I Lost My Phone, I Need Your Phone Number".

What happens, 95% of the time, is that every person with a registered Schmacebook account can view these groups. Yet, people still go there and post their phone number for all the world to see. So not only are you subjected to viewing the antics of the 8,532 new "I can't get over high school and I'm obsessed with feeling like I win popularity contests, so I need to whore my phone number out for more entries into my contacts, who I will never call anyway, but I need to have that appearance" group creaters everyday, but you're also forced to view the antics of approximately 102,354 dumbass girls on the site. These chicks (yes, they deserve that moniker for being so fucking stupid) post their fucking phone number for all the psychotic, stalking, sexually assaulting weirdos on Schmacebook to obtain.

Do not adjust your monitors. Yes, you read that correctly. Along with providing their full name, their school or employer, their age, their dorm or apartment building and photographic proof of their love for combining streetwalker outfits and alcohol (all things they could choose not to provide), they also provide their fucking phone number!

Who does that?

Analyze This

Last night I dreamed Maverick and I had a white convertible. Not sure what make, just that it was a white convertible. We drove around a lot in our convertible with our pet elephant, Murphy. Murphy liked Strawberry Limeades from Sonic. The entire dream was us and our elephant going from Sonic to Sonic, drinking Strawberry goodness at each one.

Take a Number

Four out of every five women are disrespectful, catty, bitches and I absolutely loathe them. Take a look around and count. Are you number four, or number five?

Hocus Pocus

Who Does That - Part XVII

*Blue Light Special*
It's a Friday two for the price of one.

Subway, the home of quick, healthy sandwiches for the working woman on the go. It's not a place where one goes to study rocket science. You walk in, you pick your bread, your sandwich contents, your cheese, your veggies and condiments, you pay and bam, you're done. From the time the lady, excuse me, "Sandwich Artist" asks you what you want until you pay, and are out the door, should really be no longer three or four minutes, tops.

That is unless the woman in front of you is ordering four sandwiches for the people in her office and appears to have never seen a light bulb let alone an actual "Sandwich Artist". Listen lady, if it's going to take you five trillion light years to order your freaking sandwiches then step aside and let those of us with a meeting, and work to do, go ahead of you while you stand there amazed that bread can be sliced.

When one exits said Subway they don't want to be forced to listen to annoying sorority girl walking down the sidewalk discussing the, um, merits of her one night stand while she makes her walk of shame. To said girl lacking any shred of self-respect--since you're talking at decibal 6,792 I can hear your entire disgusting ass conversation so let me just answer all of your questions for you. I'm really sorry that your lack of self-confidence made you feel the need to buy your friends, but does that really mean you need to go seeking approval via meaningless sex with some guy you don't know, who sure as hell won't be calling you later today. If you want him to call you later then why don't you make him believe for at least one night that you have a little dignity. I know we all like to get off every now and then, but is it really worth the Crabs you'll be scratching later tonight? Buy yourself a Purple Penetrator, you'll be much happier in the end. However, if you really can't enjoy the merits of yourself then why don't you learn to save your conversation for your sorority house, rather than one of the busiest sidewalks in the city?

Who does that?

Fifteen Pieces of Flair

Sometimes it's just hard to stay focused. You can only see the weekend ahead of you. You could care less about reconciling the budget report sent to you by the comptroller. You don't really want to answer the questions of your staff because you've already showed them how to do it eight times. You just want to be at your holiday weekend destination, enjoying your family, savoring that big pulled pork sandwich with homemade cole slaw from your brother the BBQ king's grill, throwing back a few Pabst Blue Ribbons, laughing hysterically at the redneck ways of your surroundings, while simultaneously loving the huge amounts of Southern hospitality. You truly understand that human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements

Case in point - the way I spent my morning, wasting time on a "popular social networking website", that allows millions of people to procrastinate the workday away, everyday, by posting useless survey bulletins like this one:

Date:	Aug 31, 2007 10:07 AM
Subject:	If they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire.
	Any student can write a survey about their favorite class, or their secret crush, or how nice their car is that their parents paid for. This is the survey for us that are already grown up. 1. Do you have a college degree? Yes 2. What was the amount of your last electric bill? $63 3. Do you have life insurance? Some kind of policy through work. 4. How many hours per week do you work? I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. 5. Have you ever attended a Toastmasters event? PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean? 6. What is your commute to work each day (one way)? 7 miles, 15-20 minutes depending on traffic. 7. Favorite Place for Happy Hour? Chotchkie's is pretty sweet. 8. What time do you get up in the morning for work? 7 ish 9. What is your definition of sleeping in late? 10:00 10. Do you check your cholesterol on a yearly basis? no 11. How large was your first cell phone? Medium sized 12. Does your employer provide good health insurance? It's not terrible, but not great either. 13. Did you use the internet to write a research paper? Yes 14. Have you attended a HS reunion? No 15. How many jobs have you held in your professional career? 5 16. Have you ever been fired or laid off from a job? Laid off 17. What is your favorite drink? Non-alcoholic, fountain Dr. Pepper. Liquor, Bellini or a Chambord Sour. Beer, Samuel Adams Winter, although Michelob Light is quickly making a rise on the list. 18. What is the most expensive bottle of wine that you have in your residence? Probably around $15. 19. Have you been divorced? No 20. How old were you when you stopped getting ID'd for Alcohol? I still do. 21. Favorite casino? Well, I haven't been to Vegas, but I do really like one of the riverboats here. 22. Are you happier now than when you were in high school? I was always happy, but I'm definitely happier with Maverick in my life. 23 Did you ever have Hypercolor shirts? No 24. Do you remember when Michael Jackson was black and was attracted to older people? Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just the girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son. 25. Do you remember when MTV actually played music videos? Yes 26. Have you had a will made? No 27. What music was in your cd / cassette player when you were 16? It wasn't that no-talent ass clown Michael Bolton. 28. Favorite fancy / upscale restaurant? One of the local celebrity's places. 29. How long has it been since you attended a kegger? About a year 30. Where were you when you found out about 9-11? At work. I'd just been delivered flowers because I was trying to have a birthday. 31. Do you have any children yet? No 32. Do you think the "younger crowd" will read this? Sure, why not.

Asshat

As you, my loyal readers, should surely know I am a lifelong Cardinals fan. Contrary to what people might think Maverick's loyalty to another team does not sway me one bit. We've both become closeted fans of the other's team, but that team will never take the spot of our first baseball loves. Throughout my entire life (no, I'm still not telling just how long that is) the one constant has been my love for the Cardinals. I truly bleed red; Cardinals red.

However that doesn't mean there are not things about the team that I don't hate. For instance, there's a certain man -- scratch that -- there's a certain immature, pompous, annoying, overly cocky, overpaid, defensive abomination, offensive hacker, undeserving, beneficiary of serious nepotism, asshat patrolling left field in Busch Stadium who fits this bill. To put it mildly I cannot stand Chris Duncan. Trust me when I say these feelings are not those of just the casual fan observing his play. Yes, I think he sucks donkey balls as a ball player, but mostly my personal interactions (yes, plural) with him have been horrific. Everything from watching him be a drunken idiot to witnessing him attempt to pick up my friends with the worst "don't you know who I am" type lines to seeing him be asked to leave bars to rude interactions with fans just wanting to say hello.

For those of you who missed it let me share with you what he felt was a grown up, appropriate World Series celebration activity. During the clubhouse party Mr. I Got My Job Because I Share My Daddy's Last Name decided it would be a good idea to pose using the World Series Trophy as a penis. Do not adjust your screens, you read that correctly. Chris Duncan really did dry hump the trophy, just like a 12 year old boy. What a douchebag.

To my extreme satisfaction the Riverfront Times has been doing an excellent job of making a fool out of this jackass the entire season. In case you have not had the pleasure of enjoying this weekly masterpiece, please do so now.

Who Does That - Part XVI

Ahh, the dog days of summer are upon us. A time to bask in the sun, enjoy some hearty barbecue, drink frosty beverages by the pool and loathe the humidity all at the same time. Everything, and everyone, is happier in the summer. Things just glow with a beautiful light. Or so it seems.

Then there you are standing at the counter at the local Walgreen's, patiently waiting to pick up your prescription, when you notice the person in front of you and their stank ass, flaky skinned, brittle toe nailed, dirt covered feet hanging out for all the world to see.

Just because it's hot outside does not give you permission to subject others to your lack of self grooming. If you don't like pedicures, can't afford them, or just plain can't make yourself take care of your bodily hygiene then please do not make the rest of want to hurl by sporting this disgusting trait as if it's some sort of runway fashion.

Who does that?

Freedom

It's my last day working in the hell hole. Everyone rejoice with me!

Just under one month until I move a little over 200 miles away and still no place to live. Does anyone have a box I can borrow?

Weekday Update

I was offered the job. After some negotiation, I accepted the position and will be relocating within about a month. Lots of items on the to do list for this one, but don't fret I'll be back with plenty to add over the weekend.

The Lady in the Magic Box

As you, my loyal readers, are aware, I have been searching for a new job for awhile now. Over the last several months, I've had contact from headhunters, a couple interviews and several phone interviews with potential employers.

Through this process I've learned a lot about myself and where I want to take my career. I've also accomplished some great networking and had the pleasure of getting acquainted with some wonderful people. However, the positions that have been available haven't exactly been the right fit. I've been extended offers that were not something I could see myself being happy doing, and I've found positions I really liked, but didn't like the location, not enough experience, etc. I'm hoping this is about to change.

This morning I interviewed with an organization I truly believe in. I am very familiar with their work, and I fully support their cause. It's the kind of place you wake up happy to go to work, proud that you are a part of such a good cause. The position is one that I am completely qualified for. My experience is more than sufficient. It would be a step up from my current level; more of a management type role. But I know I'm ready for it.

The interview went well. It was held via video-conference with the VP, who could not get away from her office at another one of their campuses. I must admit interviewing with a television was quite bizarre, but I immediately felt a sense of comfort with the VP. This feels like the right fit; let's just hope they feel the same way.

I should hear from her by Wednesday of next week, for a second interview one week from today. Keep your fingers crossed that interview goes just as well.

If You Were an Appliance

Interview tomorrow at 11:00 am. I hate to admit it, but I'm a little nervous. I hate all those interview questions. No jinxies, so I'll provide more details once it's over.

Wish me luck.

Who Does That -- Part XV

After dating a little over a year, my friends Marcia and Doug recently decided to stop seeing each other. This has been a rather difficult transition for Marcia, as Doug was her first real relationship and she became quite attached.

Against the advice of many of her friends, Marcia continues to have contact with Doug. She answers his texts messages, she speaks with him on the phone, she sends emails back and forth while they're working, she is even still friendly with his buddies. This nonsense continues to add to her heartache. It does nothing more than give her false hope of a future reconciliation.

Doug is perpetuating this situation by being a narcissistic fucktard. Since he and Marcia decided to part ways he has been pursuing another acquaintance of mine, Molly Slutpants. However, he denies anything is brewing with Ms. Slutpants and keeps contacting Marcia to keep her on the back burner.

This past weekend Doug and his fucktard buddies took Molly Slutpants and a few of her closest hookerific friends to his family's lake cabin. Around 2:30 AM Sunday, Doug called Marcia. When she answered the phone he simply asked her, "are you horny?". Much to this friend's happy surprise, Marcia rebuffed his horrible attempt to lure her back in.

It has since come to light that on Saturday night Doug attempted to get Molly Slutpants in his bed with him. Perhaps her last name is not completely fitting, as she apparently only messed around with him a little and left him feeling a tad "blue". This can only lead one to believe that Doug contacted Marcia in the middle of the night as he thought he had a guaranteed cure for his horny problems. What a fucktard thing to do.

Who does that?

Who Does That -- Part XIV

This morning a very reclusive, snippy and just plain rude lady in another department asked me the procedure to do something.

I told her; "I've never done that procedure. I'm not sure, but I know the lady who used to do your job does know."

Let's all take a moment to remember the lady who used to do her job not only still works here, but her desk is only a mere ten feet from reclusive, snippy and just plain rude lady's desk.

Cut to three hours later when my phone rings and reclusive, snippy and just plain rude lady has apparently spent the last three hours calling everyone else at our company, except lady who used to do her job, because she doesn't like lady who used to do her job. Now she's asking me what to do from here and if can I help her research it.

This is what I think about that:

"OH MY GOD! Stop being a fucking seventh grader, swallow your pride, get your lazy ass out of the chair and take the five minutes it would take to go ask the lady who does know!"

Who does that?

Signs

Excerpts from an email sent to all staff by the President of my organization. (As usual, names and identifying details have been altered to protect the innocent.) Take special note of the time it was sent in relation to the time of the meeting.


From: Unpopular New President
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 11:47 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Update on Budget Committee Recommendations

I invite you to read through the following update on the recommendations from the Budget Committee and other budget progress. I have scheduled a lunchtime session from 12:30 to 1:30 today in usual place meetings are held at my organization; please feel free to stop by if you have questions or would like to discuss this further.

To: The Formerly a Great Place to Work, But Not so Much Anymore Community
From: Unpopular New President

Re: Budget Committee Recommendations and Budgeting Update

Date: April 4, 2006

Two weeks ago, the Budget Committee completed its work for the semester, and forwarded to me a set of recommendations for increasing revenue and looking for efficiencies in spending. I greatly appreciate the time and intensive study the committee invested in understanding the complicated structure of our budget and finances, and their open and honest discussions of some very challenging issues. My thanks to each member of the committee, and especially to Token Staff Member, who chaired the committee. I also want to thank all those who provided input to the committee, without which the committee would not have been able to do its work. This process clearly demonstrates that Formerly a Great Place to Work, But Not so Much Anymore's tradition of shared governance and community dialogue, so vital to our nature, continues to work well.

I have spent some time reviewing the recommendations, so I could share with you some ideas on how we plan to proceed. Below, I have listed each recommendation and how I plan to act on each one. Before getting into those details, let me say that the recommendations provide excellent advice on managing our finances that go well beyond the confines of next year’s budget, which we are obligated to set within the next month. These recommendations will prove most valuable as each area considers how to meet budget targets unanimously agreed upon last week by me and the cabinet.

Recommendation: Administrative Costs
A review of upper/mid-level administration and other professional positions should be conducted to determine if these positions are necessary and/or worth their cost.

Action: There is no doubt that we have seen increases in staffing levels. Going forward, we will tighten our hiring processes, look for ways to restructure ourselves to reduce staff — particularly when attrition provides opportunities for examination. I also intend to consider instances in which staff assignments can be pegged to revenue generation. I recently established a position control committee including VP #1, VP #2 and VP #3, and have asked that committee to propose a procedure for position review, which I hope to see by June 1. I will ask that the task force maintain a principle in our procedure that we minimize adverse consequences to those who may be affected.

Evian is Naive Spelled Backward

Sometimes reality really does bite.

When you're in your early 20s, and fresh out of college, the world is at your feet. Everything is new and exciting. You're ready to take on the world. The thought of starting a career that provides a real paycheck (not just that minimum wage crap you've been used to since you were 16) is a little scary, but at the same time, inspiring. The first real career position offer comes along and you happily accept. For the next few years you trudge through the daily grind of being the peon with a degree, but not enough experience to really matter yet. You put in your time, and learn the ropes, until you've gotten everything you possibly can out of the entry level position. The job has become just that, a job. It's no longer a challenge. It's time to move on to the next level.

Welcome to my life.

As most of you know, I've been looking for a new job (and a move to a new city) for awhile now. I put the search on hold around the first of the year, as most companies don't do a lot of hiring around that time. I started the search again in late February, and it's slowly starting to gain steam. I've had three phone interviews since that time; one of which sounded quite promising. Although, we'll see where they go from here.

Last night I was scouring a website, dedicated to my profession, which posts job openings all over the country. I realized that I've been missing at least one entire industry, that has hundreds of possibilities. I couldn't believe that I wasn't thinking outside of my current industry box. My profession, not unlike HR, is utilized in so many facets and I've been suffering from career tunnel vision. No longer will I be doing that. My eyes have been opened up to a plethora of new opportunities. Here's to hoping it means an express lane to my new challenge. I need it.

Beauty is Only Scalp Deep

The following is an AIM conversation I had this morning with one of my best girls, whom we'll call Aphrodite. Aphrodite is the cosmetologist, fashionista, sex kitten, diva of my friends. Such a trooper, she's always on call to bring her salon to a friend's home in the midst of a fashion or style emergency.


Hera: oh my gawd!
Hera: you have to help me!
Aphrodite: oughto
Aphrodite: what's the problem?
Hera: you know that one grey hair i've had since i was about 18?
Hera: the one we always laughed at?
Aphrodite: yes. what about it?
Hera: it's not so funny anymore
Hera: i was looking in the mirror this morning and i noticed there are more
Hera: i counted; there are 11!
Hera: and most of them aren't even grey. they've passed that right up and are white!
Hera: wtf?!?! i'm only in my mid 20s
Hera: this shit cannot stay
Hera: help me please!
Aphrodite: haha
Ahprodite: calm down
Aphrodite: i'll be over with wine and color after work
Hera: that's why you rock my world!