You're Killing Me Smalls

Apparently, we've hit a major budget deficit here at work. I say apparently, because most of us cannot fathom how a budget surplus, when one president retires, can suddenly turn to a $5 million budget deficit when the new president takes over and "re-analyzes the books". Let's just say there's been an unofficial/curiosity look at the books, amongst a few inside accounting type people, and they strongly disagree, too. To make a long story short it just seems as if the public broadcasting of said financial situation, and continual public use of recently retired president's name as the reason for the "poor financial outlook", just seems like a crappy attempt to drag someone else's name through the mud.

The "budget problems" have caused many changes and cuts. Let's take a moment to talk about a few of them, shall we?

Change # 1:
We received an email from Facilities informing us that the cost of new trash bags is simply too daunting to handle. Therefore, office receptacles will no longer be emptied daily. We are now being asked to not throw any garbage in our office receptacles. Instead, we should carry items to the lone recycle bin within each building, or to the trash barrel located in the only staff workroom of each building. Rest assured those will continue to be emptied every other day.

Hmmmmm. What do I have to say to that? I'll tell you what I have to say to that; "MY ASS!" You really think I'm going to be carrying my garbage all over this freaking place to save the fifty cents one trash bag costs? I don't think so, and if you do think so, well then why don't you pass me the bowl you're smoking from.

Change # 2:
Departmental budgets have been cut, so new office supplies are simply out of the question. Basically, bring your own pen and pad of paper.

Riiiigggghhhhttt. To that one I say, "BITE ME!"

Change # 3:
Staff members are being asked to keep a daily log of their activities; not just a list of tasks they completed, but a minute by minute account of their day. (8:00 to 8:15 - I emailed Stick Up Her Ass in Accounts Receivable, 8:15 to 8:45 - I met with Tells Lame Jokes the Senior Accountant).

What do I think about this change? I think my list will look a little something like the following.

8:15ish - Arrived at work, like every other asshole here does at this time of day.
8:15ish to 8:45ish - Checked email and talked with cubicle mate about cocktails from last night.
8:45ish to 10:45ish - Surfed the web a bit and completed TPS report, but forgot the cover letter.
10:45ish to 10:50ish - Excused myself to the ladies' room as I am on my period and, well, I needed to take care of some female business. Is that okay, or am I supposed to check in and show you my tampon for approval first?
10:50ish-11:50ish - Bitched with co-workers about this fucking kindergarten bullshit and discussed what a fucking dumbass you are for attempting to make us do it.
11:50ish-1:15ish - Took an extended lunch to talk more extensively about what a dumbass you are.
1:15ish-3:30ish - Surfed the web some more, this time looking for a new job, and completed another needless report you requested, that you could've completed yourself, if it weren't for the fact that you're too much of a moron to even email.
3:30ish-3:50ish - Excused myself to the ladies' room again, but remembered that I needed approval first, so I went to your office. I had to wait for you to get your nose out of the president's ass, but was finally able to show you my tampon. Whew! It's a good thing you approve of the Playtex brand.
3:50ish-5:00ish - Packed up my desk because this is bullshit, and I won't be back tomorrow.

Do you think that list will work? Yeah, me neither. Now that the holidays are over, the job search/extreme to desire to move somewhere new is back in full swing. I turn to you, my avid readers, and ask you to help me, please. Here it is; toss your dart and tell me where it lands.